The Evaluation and the Light

If you remember from my last post, I mentioned that I would be going in for an evaluation appointment for a mental health intensive day program. That was yesterday, and I can say that it went really well! Once we got all the insurance and paperwork stuff squared away, I was brought into the psychotherapist's office. I knew I was in good hands when I walked in. Here is where I use my skills from high school to find meaning in all the little things that may be a sign from the universe, a random coincidence, or me just reading into things like every literature class taught me to do (not that this isn't a great skill to have, but sometimes a blue curtain is just....a blue curtain, you know?)

The first "sign" that set me at ease was that the psychotherapist I talked to had the same name as the first real counselor I ever went to. She helped me make amazing leaps in my confidence and self esteem and was always there to give me a hug. For a while, I thought she had been harsh with some of the things she said or pushed me to do in therapy, but I've been reading a book (more on the book in another post) that is told from the therapist's point of view. I have found much of the same dialogue that she used in this book, and while it seemed tough to swallow at the time, seeing it from this new perspective has shown me how it was really helping me along this whole time.

The next thing I noticed was that there were two giant butterfly sculptures on the wall of the office. Butterflies are often associated with great change and transformation, as well as being a sign of freedom and joy. Well, I was definitely here to make some changes as well as find some freedom and joy within myself. Then I got to thinking some more. There were actually three butterflies in the room: the two on the wall, plus one that was on me. Last year on my birthday, I decided to get a tattoo. Originally, it was supposed to be three butterflies - one to remember each of my grandmas. However, I am kind of a big weenie when it comes to pain, so I ended up finishing only one butterfly. I have never been able to bring myself to get the last two done, since as I mentioned before, I am a big weenie. So in a way, it was like all of my grandmas were finally together, cheering me on.

I could go on and on about the miniscule details I noticed and connect them to a larger symbol about why I was there, but in the end, as all symbols, they served their purpose in illustrating a bigger picture. I felt comforted, at ease, and like great things were in store for me. I would have jumped in right away, but my boss has already put out the schedules for the next few weeks, so I will be chocolatier-ing until after the art show.

Ok, now on to "The Light" portion of this post. In my last post, I talked about some of the sticks I was already grabbing on to. I completely forgot to mention my happy lamp! At the beginning of the month, I ordered a SAD lamp to help lift my mood during winter. SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is a form of seasonal depression. Understandably, SAD usually happens in the winter when there is hardly any sunlight, especially up here! SAD lamps help alleviate some of the symptoms of the winter blues by mimicking the sun's light (minus UV rays), which can increase energy, help you wake up in dark hours of the morning, and boost your mood. SAD lamps come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and intensities. The one I decided to go with was a travel-sized lamp that can be placed on almost any surface. The only downside is that it doesn't have the option of running on batteries, only electricity. However, it still gets the job done. The lamp that I have comes with three intensity settings: low, medium, and high. It also has a timer with the options of 15, 30, and 45 minute intervals. Since I find it nearly impossible to wake up in the morning, I use it within an hour of waking up to help get me energized for the day. So far, I have noticed that it is easier to get up in the morning, but I feel like it is hard for me to get back to sleep if I do wake up in the night. On days when I don't have to set an alarm, I have been waking up consistently between 10-10:30. Considering my normal wake up time for many years was around 1, this is a huge improvement. Another thing I have noticed is that I am losing my usual night owl tendencies and am ready for bed way before any party has started. I guess that's the drawback to waking up so early, but at least me and my fiance are getting to be on the same sleep schedule, to an extent.

If you are interested in looking more into it, here is the link for the lamp I bought. It was one of the cheapest lamps I could find, but it suits my needs just as well as a more expensive one.

That's all for now, folks! Oh, and for your audio pleasure, here is a clip of Neil Gaiman reading Green Eggs and Ham. I find it to be very soothing.