The Evaluation and the Light

If you remember from my last post, I mentioned that I would be going in for an evaluation appointment for a mental health intensive day program. That was yesterday, and I can say that it went really well! Once we got all the insurance and paperwork stuff squared away, I was brought into the psychotherapist's office. I knew I was in good hands when I walked in. Here is where I use my skills from high school to find meaning in all the little things that may be a sign from the universe, a random coincidence, or me just reading into things like every literature class taught me to do (not that this isn't a great skill to have, but sometimes a blue curtain is just....a blue curtain, you know?)

The first "sign" that set me at ease was that the psychotherapist I talked to had the same name as the first real counselor I ever went to. She helped me make amazing leaps in my confidence and self esteem and was always there to give me a hug. For a while, I thought she had been harsh with some of the things she said or pushed me to do in therapy, but I've been reading a book (more on the book in another post) that is told from the therapist's point of view. I have found much of the same dialogue that she used in this book, and while it seemed tough to swallow at the time, seeing it from this new perspective has shown me how it was really helping me along this whole time.

The next thing I noticed was that there were two giant butterfly sculptures on the wall of the office. Butterflies are often associated with great change and transformation, as well as being a sign of freedom and joy. Well, I was definitely here to make some changes as well as find some freedom and joy within myself. Then I got to thinking some more. There were actually three butterflies in the room: the two on the wall, plus one that was on me. Last year on my birthday, I decided to get a tattoo. Originally, it was supposed to be three butterflies - one to remember each of my grandmas. However, I am kind of a big weenie when it comes to pain, so I ended up finishing only one butterfly. I have never been able to bring myself to get the last two done, since as I mentioned before, I am a big weenie. So in a way, it was like all of my grandmas were finally together, cheering me on.

I could go on and on about the miniscule details I noticed and connect them to a larger symbol about why I was there, but in the end, as all symbols, they served their purpose in illustrating a bigger picture. I felt comforted, at ease, and like great things were in store for me. I would have jumped in right away, but my boss has already put out the schedules for the next few weeks, so I will be chocolatier-ing until after the art show.

Ok, now on to "The Light" portion of this post. In my last post, I talked about some of the sticks I was already grabbing on to. I completely forgot to mention my happy lamp! At the beginning of the month, I ordered a SAD lamp to help lift my mood during winter. SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is a form of seasonal depression. Understandably, SAD usually happens in the winter when there is hardly any sunlight, especially up here! SAD lamps help alleviate some of the symptoms of the winter blues by mimicking the sun's light (minus UV rays), which can increase energy, help you wake up in dark hours of the morning, and boost your mood. SAD lamps come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and intensities. The one I decided to go with was a travel-sized lamp that can be placed on almost any surface. The only downside is that it doesn't have the option of running on batteries, only electricity. However, it still gets the job done. The lamp that I have comes with three intensity settings: low, medium, and high. It also has a timer with the options of 15, 30, and 45 minute intervals. Since I find it nearly impossible to wake up in the morning, I use it within an hour of waking up to help get me energized for the day. So far, I have noticed that it is easier to get up in the morning, but I feel like it is hard for me to get back to sleep if I do wake up in the night. On days when I don't have to set an alarm, I have been waking up consistently between 10-10:30. Considering my normal wake up time for many years was around 1, this is a huge improvement. Another thing I have noticed is that I am losing my usual night owl tendencies and am ready for bed way before any party has started. I guess that's the drawback to waking up so early, but at least me and my fiance are getting to be on the same sleep schedule, to an extent.

If you are interested in looking more into it, here is the link for the lamp I bought. It was one of the cheapest lamps I could find, but it suits my needs just as well as a more expensive one.

That's all for now, folks! Oh, and for your audio pleasure, here is a clip of Neil Gaiman reading Green Eggs and Ham. I find it to be very soothing. 

The Stick

So some of you may be wondering why I'm calling my blog "Give Me A Stick!" A while ago, I was wasting time on the internet, and I came across this beautifully written and drawn image. It really put things into perspective for me. Here, let me show you.

For those of you who don't know, I have been struggling with mental illness for a very, very, very, very long time. I was officially diagnosed 2 years ago with major depressive disorder, PTSD, and severe anxiety, but my therapist estimated that I have been suffering from some sort of mental illness since I was about 7. That's a long time to be miserable. For so long I was in denial about needing help, mainly because no one around me seemed to care or even recognized that I was struggling, especially my parents. After years of pretending like everything was ok.....one day it wasn't. Suddenly school seemed impossible, which has never been for me in the past. I was trapped in my dorm room by panic attacks that never seemed to end. I wouldn't know I was having one until it was too late to try and calm down. The stress of school was overwhelming, as was the feeling that everyone thought I was lazy and a bad student for not going to class. That's when I finally decided to get help. Real help. Not from a high school counselor who told me that "if there aren't any bruises, then it isn't abuse and I can't help you."

I needed a stick. I tried going to see the therapist at my college. It helped immensely with my self esteem....but only temporarily. I was put on all sorts of drugs that only seemed to make things worse, especially my grades. I decided that if I was ever going to try medication again, it had to be when I wasn't in school because if the doctors gave me the wrong cocktail (which was always), then I would not be able to focus on school at all.

I continued to go to therapy. Talking through my problems really helped, but it also caused a lot of grief to resurface. Grief I didn't even know I had. But as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. One day, I just hit a wall. I would sit at my session in a catatonic state, not saying much, and not hearing anything that was said to me. It wasn't worth it, especially since I had changed therapists and was paying for part of these sessions out of pocket.  I stopped going. I also decided to stop going to school as well, for a variety of reasons, but my inability to function like a "normal" human being the main component.

Although I mainly have my anxiety under control right now (I say mainly because I have noticed it starting to creep back into my life a little more every day for about the past few weeks), the depression is still a problem. A major problem. Some days I can't even get myself out of bed. And then I hate myself for having spent all day in bed not doing anything productive. I feel like I have a disability. I know it doesn't make sense to many people out there, but it's kind of like having a case of the flu that never goes away and can flare up at any time. You wouldn't go to work if you had the flu, would you? And if you felt like it was about to flare up, you would stay home, right? Bad analogy, I know. But it's all I can think of right now.

That is why this year, I decided to reach out and grab all the sticks I can get my hands on. Not just surviving sun up to sun down, but actively trying to make my life better and more productive and unlock my true potential. I want to be me again. That's why I am starting this blog. I want a way to be honest with myself about my illness (and, yes, a huge part of that is sharing it with everyone and admitting that some days living is REALLY hard) and to track my progress throughout the year. I have done some amazing things this month already. Let's take a look at what I've accomplished and what I have set up for the upcoming months:

One of my new year's resolutions was to do yoga as often as I could. Every day, if possible. I have gotten a tad off track the past few days due to anxiety issues, but so far for the month of January, I have logged 445 minutes of yoga, or almost 7 1/2 hours! A little bit each day really does add up, and I have noticed incredible changes in my body. I have less pain, and I am able to move a little more freely.

On January 10th, I was in a short play as part of the Chicken Hat plays through Rubber Chicken Theater. Not that theater has ever been a problem for me, but I feel that committing myself to a full day of theater and being around people is a mental health positive. I have also tried to be more proactive about getting out of the house and spending time with friends, which is also a mental health positive.

To help tap into my creative side, I also signed up to be in an art show on February 13th (yes, that is a Friday). It's called Love Your Local Artist, and it will be at the Superior Public Library from 5:30-8. I have been crocheting my butt off! It's really helped me to quantify my time. I can either binge watch Arrested Development on Netflix and have nothing to show for it, or I can crochet for a few hours and have some cute drawstring bags and a wine bottle cozy to show for it! Gosh, I love yarn.

Also because I recognize that mental illness can be very serious, I have an evaluation appointment on Friday at Amberwing. Amberwing is a behavioral/mental health clinic that focuses on teens and young adults. This is probably the most "serious" of things I have lined up and probably the most terrifying as well. After the evaluation appointment, I will be admitted into an outpatient program at the hospital that will last 3-4 weeks. Through a series of fortunate and unfortunate events, I am lucky enough to have the funds available to pursue this treatment because even with insurance, it is still mind-blowing expensive, plus I will have to take a hiatus from work during this time. I am scared, but I am confident that I have the support I need to get through this.

I'm not sure how often I will be adding new blog posts, but at least once every month to give you guys updates. Yay! That's all I have for now. To all of you who are struggling right along side of me, I hope that this is a stick for you. Or at least a twig. You are not alone, and I admire you beyond belief for being alive today, even if all you are doing is perusing the internet. There is great strength in that, too. Love and hugs <3