Update

Wow. So....it's kind of been a while since I've written a post! I ran into a little snafu a while back where I was really questioning the validity of my journey and purpose with this blog. I am still questioning, but I am a little less hesitant.

I watched an amazing TED talk just now, which inspired me to go back to this blog and keep the conversation of mental health going. Before I go on to the TED talk, let me catch you up on my life right now.

Unfortunately, I should be acting on stage right now, but I'm not. It is the 13th Chicken Hat production, and lots of cool people I know are in it, but here I am at home on my computer. For those of you who don't know, every 6 months or so, the Rubber Chicken Theater in Duluth puts on a Chicken Hat show. Eight writers come in Friday night and draw a who, a what, and a where prompt out of hats. They also draw a cast number, like 2 men, 2 women to give them a character guide. In addition, there is a common cameo (typically a local celebrity) who makes an appearance in every show. Then, they go home that night and write a 10-15 minute play including those prompts. The next morning, everyone comes together (writers, actors, and directors) and the directors draw their show and cast list out of hats. The rest of the day is spent rehearsing, memorizing, and frantically grabbing props. The entire show, made up of the 8 mini shows, is put on that night. It's a crazy whirlwind ride, and I have been fortunate enough to have been in 3 Chicken Hat shows so far.

Me and Brittany Falkers! Chicken Hat 1

My trusty Portal gun. Chicken Hat 2

He was supposed to be Smaug. Chicken Hat 2

One Direction fan girling it up! Chicken Hat 3

Anyways, I am not in the one that is about to go onstage in an hour because about a month ago, I started a new job! Yay! When I was in the group program back in March, I realized that my life needed me to move on to something different, so that's what I did. No more chocolate for me, but at least I get to choose what I wear every day :) I love my new job, and I am doing really well. On the downside, we are really understaffed right now, which has lead to me being a bit of an unintentional workaholic. Today, for example. I had to work until noon, which dropped me out of the running for the 8:00 call for Chicken Hat. But on the bright side, I had a partial day to relax at home by myself. I kicked around some wedding ideas and soaked up the wonderfulness that is my bed. Especially with this job and working so much, I find it necessary to have days of doing nothing just so I can refresh myself and rest up for the upcoming week. I suppose today was a blessing in disguise.

Fortunately, I am able to attend the Chicken Hat show tonight as an audience member, which I think is a first. I get to support all my lovely theater friends and tell my fiance how proud I am of him for doing something he loves but also for doing it even though he knew I couldn't.

Back to the TED talk. This is a great one for anyone to watch because I think it puts a different spin on mental "illness." Especially after watching this video, it became more apparent to me that really, there is nothing wrong with me or anyone who suffers from mental illness. I really believe that a lot of mental illness, although some of it is definitely genetic or inherent, stems from stuffing emotions. One example that is said in the video is the only acceptable response to "How are you?" is "I'm fine" or "I'm good." We lie and pretend and our real selves get buried. All of us addicts, self mutilators, workaholics, binge eaters, alcoholics, compulsive shoppers, etc., are incredibly sensitive people. Sometimes the world is just too much for us to handle or we are told that our emotions are not appropriate, so we do things to numb the emotions. The only problem is that you cannot selectively numb. When you numb the bad stuff, you numb the good stuff, too. There was a period of time in my life where I didn't think I could cry anymore. No matter what happened, I just didn't cry. I didn't really feel sad either. Now I can cry and feel sadness that is so overwhelming I think I might go insane, but I can also feel great joy and satisfaction with where I am at with life. To quote Glennon Doyle Melton from the TED talk, "Life is beautiful. And life is brutal. Life is brutiful. All the time and every day."